


Stay

by glasscannon



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Inspired by Music, POV First Person, Pining, Songfic, Stream of Consciousness, lyrics in text, post episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-03-18
Packaged: 2017-12-05 16:52:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glasscannon/pseuds/glasscannon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s possible that whatever song had come out of my car’s speakers just then would have reminded me of Josh, given what I’ve just done, but this song seems especially apt.  </p><p>Post-ep for Impact Winter.  Donna’s thoughts after leaving the White House.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2005. Lyrics in italics are from the song “Stay” by Lisa Loeb.

I can’t believe I’m doing this.  My heart has been pounding against my ribs since I walked out of the West Wing for what I realize may be the last time.  Josh didn’t think I’d really do it, but here I am.  After he walked away from me, avoiding the conversation yet again, I realized that he had no intention of dealing with this.  I went back to my desk, faxed my resignation to CJ on Air Force One, and arranged for a temp to start tomorrow.  I cleaned out my desk and walked out of the West Wing.  I didn’t tell anyone else that I was leaving.  I’m not sure if I’m glad or disappointed that I didn’t see Josh again on my way out.

And now I’m just sitting here in my car, willing my heart rate to calm down.  I haven’t put the key in the ignition, and I don’t know what I’m waiting for.  I can’t sit in this parking garage forever.  I can’t go back.  I have to move forward.  I don’t know where I’m going to go from here, but the whole point is that I couldn’t stay in that job any longer.  I wasn’t moving anymore.  I have to keep moving.

My hand is shaking as I lift my keys, but I finally manage to put the key in the ignition.  The radio comes on as I twist the key.

_You say I only hear what I want to.  
_You say I talk so all the time so._ _

__

It’s possible that whatever song had come out of my car’s speakers just then would have reminded me of Josh, given what I’ve just done, but this song seems especially apt. 

_And I thought what I felt was simple,_

Then again, I don’t think any of my feelings for Josh have ever been simple...

 _And I thought that I don't belong,_  
_And now that I am leaving,_  
_Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you._

“Yeah yeah, I missed you...” I sing along.

 _And you say I only hear what I want to:_  
_I don't listen hard,_  
_Don't pay attention to the distance that you're running_  
_To anyone, anywhere,_

CJ said Josh ran out of the West Wing when Leo told him to come to me in Germany.  I thought I knew what he had to have been feeling right then.

_I don't understand if you really care,  
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no._

I don’t know, Josh, do you really care?  I’m walking out of your life, have you noticed yet?

_So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,  
And this woman was singing my song:_

My song indeed.

_Lover's in love, and the other's run away,  
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay._

I cried over your hospital bed, Josh, did you hear me?  I thought I heard you crying over mine.  Will you cry tonight?  Will you hear me crying?

_Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was  
Dying since the day they were born._

When did we stop hovering, Josh?  Standing close to each other just to enjoy the other’s presence.  Your hand hovering over the small of my back.  You hovered in Germany.  What changed when I got home?  How did we end up here?

_Well, well, this is not that;_

No, that’s right, this isn’t that.  Despite all we’ve lost somehow, I’m not leaving you, not really.  I’m leaving the job.  Leaving you is just an unfortunate side effect.  Yeah, right.  Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll be able to make it home before I start crying.

_I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.  
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure._

Do you remember the months after Rosslyn?  Do you remember how I couldn’t go a day without seeing you?  Where were you when I got home from Germany?

_You try to tell me that I'm clever,  
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you._

It would have, really.  We never did quite get back to the banter.  I don’t think it was me.  When did you stop thinking I was clever?

_You said that I was naïve,  
And I thought that I was strong._

‘Bambi-esque’ was what you called me, I think.  ‘A campaign isn’t a place to start over,’ you said.  ‘Why can’t it be?’ I said.  Maybe I should find myself another campaign, maybe the third campaign would be the charm…

_I thought, "Hey, I can leave, I can leave."_

Packed up my desk and walked out.  I can leave, I can leave.  I can do this.  Just take the parking break off and drive away, Donna.  Just leave.  I can do this.

_Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.  
Yeah, I miss you._

“I miss you,” I whisper. 

_You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go."_

I really wanted to make it home before I started crying, but that gets me.  I put my face in my hands and sob.  You caught me, and I thought you wanted me, but I guess today is the day you let me go. 

_You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just scared to lose._

I can see now that CJ was right.  I didn’t want to believe it, but I can’t deny it after today.  You kept me longer than was fair to me.  Tried to give me small tasks to convince me to stay…

_And you say, "Stay."_

You never did say it.  That’s all it would have taken.  If you had just asked, maybe we could have figured out a way for me to stay and to grow at the same time.  You could have just asked.  I can hear you saying it.  If I squeeze my eyes shut tight enough, I can imagine you standing next to my window right now, asking me to stay.

_And you say I only hear what I want to._

I cry harder.  That’s what I’m waiting for.  That’s why I haven’t been able to pull out of this stupid parking structure.  I’m waiting to hear what I want to hear.  I’m trying to give you enough time to notice that I’m gone, for CJ to call you and tell you that I quit, for anyone to wake you up to the fact that I’m leaving you.  Once you realize I’ve gone, you’ll run like you did when Leo told you to go to Germany, right?  You’ll run out here and find me crying in my car and ask me to stay.  Just ask me to stay, Josh, and I’ll stay. 

_I only hear what I want to._

I dry my eyes and stare at the steering wheel.  I can’t stay here.  I can’t go back.  I have to move forward.

_I only hear what I want to._

I release the parking break and put the car in reverse.  I look at the mirrors as I back up, and I’m not surprised to see that you aren’t standing there watching me.

_I only hear what I want to._

It’ll be eighteen hours before you even realize I’m gone.  I switch off the radio and drive home.


End file.
